Yes, it's true. I know it is hard to believe, but 'tis true. I have had quite a few people ask me how I feel about turning forty and since I don't have anything great to say about it, I do my darnedest to come up with a suitable answer that seems to satisfy their curiosity. The truth of the matter is that I'm undecided.
Part of me is in disbelief. Shock, even. It seems like I should be celebrating a different milestone...thirty maybe? Better yet, twenty-five? I don't say that because those were better years...maybe just wrinkle-free ones. The reality of turning forty makes me feel different each day. Some days, I'm fairly resigned to getting older. I feel smarter, tested and tried, calmer, less uptight, more content, patient, grateful. I look at the life around me and I'm good. Like, really good. I have these clarifying moments where I think if nothing in my life ever got better than it is right now, I would be fully content and happy. I am loved; deeply loved. I have a community that surrounds, supports and encourages me. My family are on their knees daily lifting me up before the Lord, constantly going out of their way to make me feel valued and loved. I go to work each day with people I admire and enjoy. This is how I feel most days.
And other days, it's quite different. Other days, there is a deep sense of longing for a life I was meant to live. A life that was taken from me too soon. At forty, I should be stressing about my kid's school projects and PTA meetings. I should be combing through Pinterest for new recipes so my family stays healthy and happy. I should be planning weekend get-a-ways with my husband to keep the spark alive. This is what people do as adults. They go to college. They get a job. They meet Mr. (or Mrs.) Right. House. Children. Family Pet. Not always in that order, but something similar. This is the American dream. The thing we're told to expect when we reach adulthood.
So, what do you do if that isn't what happens?
I have wrestled with this identity crisis for the past 10 years. There is a tug of war in my heart between the life I thought I would live and the life I'm actually living. For a while, it appeared as though I was on that track...college, job and for seven years, I did my best (not perfectly by any means) to be a supportive, loving and godly wife. In the end, my husband chose to walk away. And that was hard. SO very hard. But the Lord was with me in every dark and desperate moment. I clung tightly to Isaiah 54:5-7 - "For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called. For the Lord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God. For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you."
Somehow, I believed a lie that says singleness is bad. Not natural. Not "meant to be." I believed that the deep longing in my heart for a husband must be from God. Now, don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married. I WANT TO BE MARRIED. But, I'm learning that being single is actually a gift. Paul talks about singleness in 1 Corinthians 7:3 - "I want you to be free from anxieties...the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband."
As much as I want to be married and have a family, I am growing to understand that may not be God's plan for me. I don't say that easily or lightly. That actually grieves my heart and it is something I am actively trying to come to terms with on a daily basis. But I am also encouraged by Paul's words because it reminds me that there is so much freedom in being single. I have the freedom to focus on the Lord so much more because my attentions are not divided. I have opportunities that my married friends and family do not.
I hope that marriage and family are part of God's plan for my future. But if that is not the case, my prayer today and every day going forward is going to be this...
"Lord, please don't give me what I want. Give me what I need and help me to WANT what I NEED."
If you're reading this and are connecting with anything I've shared, take a moment to watch this really impactful sermon on singleness from Sam Allberry. It may well be the best sermon I've heard on singleness. (Thanks to my new friend Barnabas Piper for sharing.)
This sermon was incredibly helpful in shaping a new perspective for what the Bible says about singleness and my expectations for fulfillment in life. Do I hope to get married again? Yes! Will my life be any less meaningful if I don't? No. This is a process. I don't always feel so optimistic or resolved on the subject of singleness. It's a day-by-day surrender to the Lord to help me want what I need.
I am grateful for truth and a chance to live it out by drawing closer to the Lord as I depend on Him even more for strength in this season - however long it may be.
And other days, it's quite different. Other days, there is a deep sense of longing for a life I was meant to live. A life that was taken from me too soon. At forty, I should be stressing about my kid's school projects and PTA meetings. I should be combing through Pinterest for new recipes so my family stays healthy and happy. I should be planning weekend get-a-ways with my husband to keep the spark alive. This is what people do as adults. They go to college. They get a job. They meet Mr. (or Mrs.) Right. House. Children. Family Pet. Not always in that order, but something similar. This is the American dream. The thing we're told to expect when we reach adulthood.
So, what do you do if that isn't what happens?
I have wrestled with this identity crisis for the past 10 years. There is a tug of war in my heart between the life I thought I would live and the life I'm actually living. For a while, it appeared as though I was on that track...college, job and for seven years, I did my best (not perfectly by any means) to be a supportive, loving and godly wife. In the end, my husband chose to walk away. And that was hard. SO very hard. But the Lord was with me in every dark and desperate moment. I clung tightly to Isaiah 54:5-7 - "For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called. For the Lord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God. For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you."
Somehow, I believed a lie that says singleness is bad. Not natural. Not "meant to be." I believed that the deep longing in my heart for a husband must be from God. Now, don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married. I WANT TO BE MARRIED. But, I'm learning that being single is actually a gift. Paul talks about singleness in 1 Corinthians 7:3 - "I want you to be free from anxieties...the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband."
As much as I want to be married and have a family, I am growing to understand that may not be God's plan for me. I don't say that easily or lightly. That actually grieves my heart and it is something I am actively trying to come to terms with on a daily basis. But I am also encouraged by Paul's words because it reminds me that there is so much freedom in being single. I have the freedom to focus on the Lord so much more because my attentions are not divided. I have opportunities that my married friends and family do not.
I hope that marriage and family are part of God's plan for my future. But if that is not the case, my prayer today and every day going forward is going to be this...
"Lord, please don't give me what I want. Give me what I need and help me to WANT what I NEED."
If you're reading this and are connecting with anything I've shared, take a moment to watch this really impactful sermon on singleness from Sam Allberry. It may well be the best sermon I've heard on singleness. (Thanks to my new friend Barnabas Piper for sharing.)
This sermon was incredibly helpful in shaping a new perspective for what the Bible says about singleness and my expectations for fulfillment in life. Do I hope to get married again? Yes! Will my life be any less meaningful if I don't? No. This is a process. I don't always feel so optimistic or resolved on the subject of singleness. It's a day-by-day surrender to the Lord to help me want what I need.
I am grateful for truth and a chance to live it out by drawing closer to the Lord as I depend on Him even more for strength in this season - however long it may be.
