The Thing About Lilacs

Lilacs. I have never really given them much thought. As flowers go, I wouldn't say lilacs are my favorite. But in this moment...lilacs are everything. There is this small lilac bush that has bloomed especially full this spring. It sits right outside my apartment window. Before I even open my eyes to welcome the morning, the fragrance of lilacs waft their way to my open window and greet me with the dawn. It's this generous gift from Heaven that extends an offering of beauty as I begin my day. 

My day. By comparison, my day is full of wonderful moments. I have shelter, security, nourishment, friendship, encouragement, laughter, hope... I am abundantly blessed. But that doesn't seem to keep this restless heart from wanting more. The last few months have been a seesaw of emotions stirred by conversations, realizations, awareness of self and visits from the past. Moments full of confusion and closure, frustration and focus, heartache and hope, discouragement and determination...the list goes on.

Going. I've been thinking a lot about where I am going...in every sense of the word. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, romantically, professionally. Every few years seems to be a transition for me. And looking back, it always feels like the time and space between each one lasts a lifetime. But in retrospect, time has sped by so quickly. It's amazing how swiftly life shifts from one season to another. What seems like an impossible situation in any given moment is quickly forgotten - the intensity of the moment completely dimmed by time. I keep a journal. Not religiously or daily. But every-so-often as the mood strikes, I will write down my thoughts or things happening in my life. And it's these moments that I reflect on and realize how different my circumstances are from season to season. And then there are those things that stay the same. 

The same. There is always this same feeling of longing that has refused to abandon me. It sits with me day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. And I wonder, will this be the year? Will this be the year God sends me a companion to love and share life with? What will he be like? Will he have the integrity and patience of Hosea? The gentleness of Joseph? The passion of David? The faithfulness of Moses? Or the determination of Paul? Will he be able to look beyond the sins of my past and see the woman God has restored me to? Will he see more than my physical flaws to the heart that lies behind? Will he genuinely enjoy being with me? Will I be enough for him? Only the Lord knows. 

I can only wait. And trust. Another day, week, month, year. And find contentment in the beauty God places around me - like lilacs outside my window in the dawn.