I should be sleeping. This would make the third or fourth night in a row that I am sitting here, wide awake, past midnight. I wouldn't even mind if I was doing something constructive like writing songs or getting some work done, but nope. At this very moment (besides writing this self-indulgent little blog) I am drinking a tasty glass of pinot noir, listening to Patty Smyth & Don Henley sing "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough" (HA!!) on Comcast music and sitting restless with too many thoughts running through my mind. This day is hard for me...but not because it is Valentine's Day.
Three years ago, on this day, my life as I knew it was about to change. The person I called my husband, best friend, confidant, lover, was about to turn my world upside down and change his mind. He no longer wanted to be a husband, a partner in life, a father someday. He no longer shared the faith in God that defines me. He dropped this heavy bomb on Valentine's Day...and yes, frankly his timing totally sucked. I don't know that it ultimately would have mattered what "day" he chose to get all of that off his chest. It's impact would have been the same. My immediate reaction was to crumble inside. I panicked. I cried. I went numb. And I cried out to God. And His sweet, still voice assured me that He was there and that I would be okay.
That was the beginning of the end. I fought a good fight to keep it together, but in the end, you really can't make someone love you or stay married if they don't want to. So I let him go. Fast forward three years and here I am. This day is "hard" because it is a reminder of time lost, love lost, security lost. Three hundred and sixty-four days of the year, I am pretty well adjusted and okay with the new direction of my life. Really. I wish my ex-husband the best. I care for him and hope that he finds what he's looking for in life. On this day, I don't necessarily mourn him and much as the life I thought I was going to have. This day is a brutal and sobering reminder of the very real rejection that changed my life. I guess I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself. Yes, I'm sure that's what it is. How melodramatic of me! Ugh! Thankfully, February 14th is technically over. Now I can go back to my normally upbeat, positive, hopeful self. And maybe even back to sleeping.
