Pendulum

PENDULUM

The pendulum swings

You feel its gravity

First love, now pain

in it’s place

You won’t settle for less

than extreme at best

Numb and empty

but you’ll take it anyway

The tornado and volcano

attempt an embrace

Colliding with force

and with force blown away

She pulls you back in

time and time again

And like a prisoner

you just can't escape

The pendulum swings

You feel its gravity

First love, now pain

in it’s place    

The Thing About Lilacs

Lilacs. I have never really given them much thought. As flowers go, I wouldn't say lilacs are my favorite. But in this moment...lilacs are everything. There is this small lilac bush that has bloomed especially full this spring. It sits right outside my apartment window. Before I even open my eyes to welcome the morning, the fragrance of lilacs waft their way to my open window and greet me with the dawn. It's this generous gift from Heaven that extends an offering of beauty as I begin my day. 

My day. By comparison, my day is full of wonderful moments. I have shelter, security, nourishment, friendship, encouragement, laughter, hope... I am abundantly blessed. But that doesn't seem to keep this restless heart from wanting more. The last few months have been a seesaw of emotions stirred by conversations, realizations, awareness of self and visits from the past. Moments full of confusion and closure, frustration and focus, heartache and hope, discouragement and determination...the list goes on.

Going. I've been thinking a lot about where I am going...in every sense of the word. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, romantically, professionally. Every few years seems to be a transition for me. And looking back, it always feels like the time and space between each one lasts a lifetime. But in retrospect, time has sped by so quickly. It's amazing how swiftly life shifts from one season to another. What seems like an impossible situation in any given moment is quickly forgotten - the intensity of the moment completely dimmed by time. I keep a journal. Not religiously or daily. But every-so-often as the mood strikes, I will write down my thoughts or things happening in my life. And it's these moments that I reflect on and realize how different my circumstances are from season to season. And then there are those things that stay the same. 

The same. There is always this same feeling of longing that has refused to abandon me. It sits with me day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. And I wonder, will this be the year? Will this be the year God sends me a companion to love and share life with? What will he be like? Will he have the integrity and patience of Hosea? The gentleness of Joseph? The passion of David? The faithfulness of Moses? Or the determination of Paul? Will he be able to look beyond the sins of my past and see the woman God has restored me to? Will he see more than my physical flaws to the heart that lies behind? Will he genuinely enjoy being with me? Will I be enough for him? Only the Lord knows. 

I can only wait. And trust. Another day, week, month, year. And find contentment in the beauty God places around me - like lilacs outside my window in the dawn. 

Has it really been TWO years???

Somehow I blinked and two years went by. How is that possible? I wish I didn't wait that long to post a new blog entry. I'm left with so much to say and overwhelmed at how to say it. I'll start with my surroundings. Gone are the days of city living. I have said farewell to my Ravenswood dwelling and said hello to suburban life. (sniff sniff) I wasn't quite ready to say goodbye to the electricity of the city, but God opened a door that I couldn't help but walk through. So here I am, sitting on the balcony of my new apartment in Palatine...listening to Imaginary Future on my iPhone and gazing at the peaceful little pond in front of me. How did I get here? Let's back up a bit...

As it so often goes, I found myself a bit restless a couple years after moving to the city. There were so many changes with my "big girl" job. I remember when I first started working for GMAC - flying here and there was such a jolt to my normal comfort zone and I remember thinking how crazy it was to be traveling a couple times a month. Fast forward to a company buyout, becoming an Ocwen employee and traveling a couple times a WEEK and the novelty and anxiety wore off real quick. I got tired. Tired of being in airports & hotels, tired of missing family gatherings and not making plans with friends. And really tired of not being able to serve at Harvest as much as I would like. And I was also kinda bored. All the excitement of moving to a new city, starting a new job, making new friends...that was old news. 

So, one day, I just so happen to mention to Luke MacDonald that I'd like to find a new job. He asks a few questions, I answer a few questions and the next thing I know, I'm interviewing for a position at Harvest in their Communication Dept. Things move quickly and I am hired as the Electronic Communication Manager. What a whirlwind! It's been about 6 months and every day is a new challenge and adventure. I'm so grateful for this opportunity. Not in that cliche way people say it. But really REALLY grateful. I get to be paid to be a creative! That's amazing!! 

The commute became too much and quality of life was too important to travel to & from work 3 hours a day. So, I reluctantly moved to the suburbs. But I'm finding really wonderful treasures here. Mostly, this little piece of serenity on my balcony. Quiet mornings with my Bible and coffee...relaxing evenings with a glass of wine and a perfect evening soundtrack...these are treasures. 

I am content. I can't always say that. But today, I feel good. Some days, the longing for companionship is almost suffocating. But not today. Today, I am so thankful for my family, career, friends, church, ministry, home, passions, hobbies...

I do want to remarry. I want to share life & love & ministry with another. I trust that God has a plan. I don't know what it is. But I know that He loves me and wants only good for me. My prayer is that I will be content in every season. 

In two years, there have been some really incredible moments. Danielle got married. Erica left for college. VCB recorded another album, Church Songs. The 5th Smith was born to Jordan and Beth - Chloe Grace. I met one of my biggest musical inspirations - Stacy King. We had 2 new mommy's in our Merle Girl group - Kristen just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Stella & Jen will welcome her handsome little fella soon.

There are more memories than I can count. But all of them are so special and wonderful and make up this beautiful life I get to live. 

Taking Stock...

Bunbury Music Festival w/Danielle

Sometimes it takes looking back through pictures to remember just how great life has been. I was scanning through a bunch of photos I was transferring from my phone to my computer and a thought struck me. Lately, I have been feeling like life has been at a bit of a standstill; that nothing new or exciting has really happened. Almost two years ago, I took the plunge and moved to Chicago...not knowing what would await me once I arrived. There were so many new experiences and challenges to face all at once. New apartment, new job, new church, new friends, new neighbors, cafes, favorite restaurants, faces, sounds...it was a lot to take in. At times, it was overwhelming. But mostly, it was exhilerating. I felt so alive. My adrenaline was at a constant high. I was traveling all across the country for my job and I was suddenly singing on a worship team with Dove award-winning artists. It all felt a little surreal. Now, almost two years later, things have slowed down. I'm not really traveling for my job anymore. Still not dating anyone special. I've moved into my second neighborhood in the city. Life is feeling pretty routine. But then I started looking through these photos and I was quickly reminded that I am incredibly blessed. I have a WONDERFUL family, amazing friends, both old and new, a stable job (I hope!) and have been offered so many fantastic opportunities with the worship team at Harvest. I am blessed, no doubt about it. And these pictures are living proof of how great life has been this past year or so.



Becoming friends with Tara over the
last year has been one of the most rewarding
& gratifying things to happen since
moving to Chicago. I value our friendship & the
wonderful memories we've already made.

Vertical Church Band photo shoot for the new album. What a fun day
that was & so exciting to get to be a part of the VCB recording.



One of the BEST things about
Danielle turning 21 has been all
of the concerts we get to attend
together. This was a quick snapshot
from the bathroom at Schubas when
we went to see Andrew Belle. Such a
FUN night!!  

The Lone Bellow has quickly become one of my FAVORITE bands!
I have had the priviledge of seeing them twice this year and both
shows were so unforgettable.





This year, I had the pleasure of meeting the
newest "Merle Girl" & baby of Margaret and Vince.
Victoria Hope entered the world bringing w/her
hope & comfort during a difficult time for her Daddy,
who said goodbye to his mom the same day he welcome his
daughter into the world.She's the sweetest & is
starting to look like her big sis Emma.



This year wouldn't be complete without a
trip to see the fam in Minnesota. It was
 so much fun surprising the kids and
seeing Samuel & Serenity perform in
Disney's My Son Pinnochio. I was incredibly proud
 & beaming with joy. And it was extra
special to have some hang time with
my little brother that I miss so much!






Summertime hangs & Fourth of July fun at
North Ave beach with great friends...Tara, Shawn &
Charlotte, Jess, AJ & Silvy and new friends
Cait & Brett. What a fun filled day!



My dad, the trooper! Here he is, just one day
after knee replacement surgery, and already
getting it done at group therapy. So proud of
his discipline. And proud of my amazing
mom who takes such good care of my
dad.





What DO men really want? Heck if I know!

My blog entries follow the same sporatic pattern as my own journal entries...very few and far between. Which I hate! I'm a writer...I LOVE to write. But I guess there are always a million and one excuses why I don't do it often enough. Besides...these blog entries are really not intended to be some literary pieces of work but more so a glimpse into my sometimes crazy, sometimes pathetically boring life. And I just plain don't mind sharing (because I highly doubt anyone actually reads this thing anyway).

I was having brunch with a very close friend the other day. We were discussing life, relationships, and my non-existent love life. As I rattled off all the reasons why I'm such a "good catch" and how I can't understand why no one seems interested, my dear friend made a comment that hit me like a ton of bricks...."Kel, you come off unavailable." I was ready with a swift rebuttal but stopped short because I then wondered if there was truth to her statement. Could I be coming off as unavailable to the small pool of gents I have encountered thus far?

I've been stewing over this new information for days. What does it mean to be "unavailable"? What does that look like? And how do I avoid it? I most certainly don't want to be that girl that comes off needy, annoying and desperate. Guys can't want that, right? And although some people would maybe see me as confident, I think that just comes from age. I'm 34 now. I've lived and learned and I know who I am. But I'm also insecure about dozens of things. I don't think I evoke this tough, unapproachable exterior. At least I hope not!!

I'm not a wide-eyed inncoent 22 year old, right out of college, looking for the proverbial "Mr. Right" to sweep me off my feet, take me to Neverland, and leave rose petals on the bed every night. I just want something real. Great companionship & friendship, realistic romance, laughter, adventure, a mutual passion for & commitment to the Lord and a desire to challenge each other as we grow old together. BUT...that's not exactly the kind of thing you come right out and say after meeting someone new. Not within the first five minutes, at least. And unfortunately, other than initial introductions in group settings, I haven't had many opportunities for those follow up conversations.

As progressed, experienced (and I mean that as purely as possible) and open-minded as I am, I'm still kind of old-fashioned. I mean, I would just love someone to ask me out on a date. In this social media-laden world of texting, Facebooking, Instagraming and Twittering, everything feels so impersonal. Just dial my number and ask me out. I will more than likely say yes.

So what is the right formula? The perfect balance between available but not desperate? Approachable but not needy? Intouch with my emotions and sensitive side but not a basket case? Well, I just don't know. I guess the bottom line is that I have NO idea what men want. I thought I knew, but clearly the jury has turned it a very different verdict.

In the event that someone actually does read this blog, I am ALL ears! Chime in...

Pinot, 90's love songs & an unwelcome anniversary...

I should be sleeping. This would make the third or fourth night in a row that I am sitting here, wide awake, past midnight. I wouldn't even mind if I was doing something constructive like writing songs or getting some work done, but nope. At this very moment (besides writing this self-indulgent little blog) I am drinking a tasty glass of pinot noir, listening to Patty Smyth & Don Henley sing "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough" (HA!!) on Comcast music and sitting restless with too many thoughts running through my mind. This day is hard for me...but not because it is Valentine's Day.

Three years ago, on this day, my life as I knew it was about to change. The person I called my husband, best friend, confidant, lover, was about to turn my world upside down and change his mind. He no longer wanted to be a husband, a partner in life, a father someday. He no longer shared the faith in God that defines me. He dropped this heavy bomb on Valentine's Day...and yes, frankly his timing totally sucked. I don't know that it ultimately would have mattered what "day" he chose to get all of that off his chest. It's impact would have been the same. My immediate reaction was to crumble inside. I panicked. I cried. I went numb. And I cried out to God. And His sweet, still voice assured me that He was there and that I would be okay.

That was the beginning of the end. I fought a good fight to keep it together, but in the end, you really can't make someone love you or stay married if they don't want to. So I let him go. Fast forward three years and here I am. This day is "hard" because it is a reminder of time lost, love lost, security lost. Three hundred and sixty-four days of the year, I am pretty well adjusted and okay with the new direction of my life. Really. I wish my ex-husband the best. I care for him and hope that he finds what he's looking for in life. On this day, I don't necessarily mourn him and much as the life I thought I was going to have. This day is a brutal and sobering reminder of the very real rejection that changed my life. I guess I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself. Yes, I'm sure that's what it is. How melodramatic of me! Ugh! Thankfully, February 14th is technically over. Now I can go back to my normally upbeat, positive, hopeful self. And maybe even back to sleeping.

Two months and counting...

So it's been a couple of months now...two months of living in the big city of Chicago. Two months of walking up and down Clark Street, stopping at Trader Joe's for that special coffee I love so much. Two months of avoiding Molly's Cupcakes as often as humanly possible. Two months of hauling groceries up to my 18th floor apartment. And I can say with certainty that this is exactly where I am supposed to be, right now, at this very moment in my life.

All of the daydreams and wishful thinking, the "what if's" and "if I ever's", have led to this very moment. I was definitely not on the "move-to-the-city-in-your-thirties" track, but when life hands you lemonade...well, you know. So, here I am. Living on the 18th floor of the Fullerton Parkway Towers appreciating this magnificant view of city lights below. Sometimes I just stare out my window, wondering where all the miniature figures are going to in such a hurry. Hailing cabs, waiting at bus stops, walking here and there...each one with their own unique story. And I am quickly reminded that I, too, have a story. A new one that I am writing for my life.

It's really amazing to me just how remarkable God is. Even writing that seems like a very lack lustre way of describing how I feel. So, I'll try to explain it better. A little over a year ago, as my divorce was being finalized and I was looking ahead to what life might look like in the coming months and years, my sister Lisa would often do this thing where she'd tell me what she thought my future would look like. And it would sound something like this..."Okay, first you're going to get a great new job. Then you'll move to the city and find a great little apartment in a great little neighborhood. Then, you'll start going to Harvest (as in Harvest Bible Chapel) and someone will hear you sing. And then they'll ask you to be a part of the worship team..." And it went on from there.

And the remarkable part is that so far, every single one of those things has happened. In that order! It leaves me in awe, speechless, so overwhelmed with God's love for me. Because there is no mistaking that it is God who has orchestrated and ordained every last detail. I remember that I used to laugh when my sister would play "this is your life" and I would think to myself "Oh, wow...that would all be so fantastic and great, but could that really happen? Would that really happen?" And it did!

I am so encouraged to see what other things come to pass. I know what's next on my sister's checklist for my life but I'll spare the juicy details until I see them come true. =) At the start of this journey, I was so inspired by the words and insight of Donald Miller, in several of his books. And it's so nice to look back on the last two years and realize that I have, with God leading the way, made a conscious decision to change the course of my life, taken Don's words to heart, and started writing a better story for my life.

I am two months and counting and I continue to write my story.