How do you feel about change?
I used to hate it. I'm a creature of habit. Comfort. I like what I know. I cling to the familiar.
Until the bottom falls out of my comfort zone and I'm forced to move. Then I'm desperate for change. I obsess with questions like "what if" and "why is this happening" and "what now."
In that in-between purgatory of waiting for the next thing to become clear, we have a choice. We can obsess, stress, worry, wonder, control, manipulate, procrastinate, and resent every moment we spend in that place.
Or, we can listen, learn, rest, trust, grow, remember our dreams, lean in and capture the beauty of a moment that gives us space. I'd like to say I default to the latter, but...that would be a lie.
The past two years have been a pretty ugly season in my life. 2019 didn't kick off with the hopeful optimism that many a new year brings. A slip and fall on ice led to a broken (dominant) wrist, which then led to surgery - and it all made me salty and sad the first few months of that year. But the mend came fast and now I only notice the metal and screws in my wrist when it rains.
But that was only the half of it. If you live in Chicagoland, you very likely know the deep crisis and sorrow that Harvest Bible Chapel endured the past couple years. The waters were rough and choppy. And even now, though a little calmer, you can still feel the wake of the turbulence that 2019 left behind. I spent four and a half years working at HBC and I made some incredible memories there. But my emotional and mental health took a toll and ultimately it was time for me to move on. In what seemed like a twist of fate or divine intervention, I ended up in my dream role as a communications director for a startup in Northwest Indiana. It was the best of both worlds...I got to work remote, commute a couple days a week, connect with my old stomping grounds and be part of something big. Things were moving fast...faster than I could grasp. Maybe a little too fast. Which is why I didn't see the bottom falling out of that one either. Despite his best intentions, the owner of this little startup had run out of money, unbeknownst to me and most others who worked for him. I was suddenly out of a job right before Thanksgiving.
Another blow to my sense of security.
Panic. Depression. Isolation. Rage. Bitterness. Apathy.
These emotions became my closest companions. They greeted me when I awoke every morning and tucked me in every night.
My mind would say, "go read your Bible."
My heart said, "what's the point?"
Most days, I did nothing but cry or numb my pain with mindless television. Sometimes I would catch myself just staring at nothing in particular; lost in my thoughts. They say it takes a village to raise a family. I say it takes a village to raise a Kelley. I hadn't felt so small and defeated since my divorce. If it weren't for my parents and a handful of friends and family, I would have been a crumbled up ball of despair. But they showed up. Big time! They knew exactly what I needed and they were there.
Don't get me wrong...I didn't lose my faith or hope in Christ. But to understand my pain, you need to know my journey. The past 20 years of my life have been a series of disappointments. A failed marriage, a prolonged season of singleness (read: lonely and depressed), bouts of depression and anxiety, a constant battle to process rejection and feelings of worthlessness, and unmet expectations and dreams. I own my choices as a young woman and know that I am responsible for some of the direction my life headed. But some of these things are just the lemons life hands us. Sometimes I make lemonade, sometimes I choke down the sour acid of my circumstances.
In the midst of it all, some really beautiful things broke through. I started having more honest conversations with myself and gave my heart permission to feel and process and say no. I also found soul sisters...friends that I never would have met had life not taken the turn it did. The course of events that led me to Chicago changed my life. I got the unique opportunity to reinvent myself. I started over in a big city with a big girl job and a corporate card. Not many people get to do that. I've worked closely and been inspired by some of the most creative and gifted musicians I will ever know. I've learned from some of the smartest and wisest spiritual leaders.
I spend most of my free time with my family here in Chicago. My sister is my person. Although ten years apart in age, we are closer than I could ever have hoped for two sisters who didn't grow up in the same home. I have had the distinct privilege of watching my Chicago nieces become women, and wives and now mother. Our family has walked through the deep valleys of life and celebrated the miracle mountaintops of answered prayers. We have clung tight together on the promises of God and sometimes it's the strength of their faith that sustains me to the next day.
At the start of 2021, I was all gung-ho on my new year mantra..."only Jesus matters." A solid good mantra, I think. And I felt it in every fiber of my being. I meant it with all of my heart. But one day I missed a morning devotion. And that one day turned into two. And somehow a month, then two months, then...I lost count. And my mantra became a faint whisper. And my heart was once again filled with "what if" and "why is this happening" and "what now." Amazing how quickly the heart can change when I take my eyes off of Jesus and focus on me and my and I.
I'm so sick of me. I don't want to think about me anymore. But I'm flawed and sinful and my flesh plays tug of war with me all day long. I get impatient waiting and wondering and my faith gets a little wobbly. I am so thankful that I have decided to put my ultimate hope in a God who doesn't change, who isn't wobbly or uncertain. He is constant and faithful and trustworthy. I am who I am and I have what I have because that is the portion God has given me right now. It's hard for me to even write that. But I choose to believe it. Because I also choose to believe that God is good. And He wants good things for His children. So, maybe I don't get a clear view of what He's doing or get to know when unmet expectations may unfold in my life. But I have chosen to trust Him, even when I can't see what's down the road. Even when I'm sitting alone on the couch, wishing there was someone special sitting beside me, filling the quiet of a lonely living room with conversation about the day. Even when a decade of singleness sits in my rearview. Even when my closest friends get married and start families. Even then.
If you read this...don't feel sad for me. Pray for me. Pray that I can put into practice all the things that I have resolved in the past and all the things I will resolve to do one day. Because I will keep trying. I will keep trusting and praying. I will keep hoping...for the dreams that haven't come true. For the family I hope to have someday. For the one who God has prepared just for me and I for him. And most of all, for the deep realization that God is enough for me.
